You are a strong voice. You hit so many of the points of things I have reflected on about American society. I moved to the US almost 20 years ago with the intention of staying. I was completely sold on the dream of America. Both from being a tourist but also from movies.

I was all about living it big in America. You know in America everything is bigger: the cars, the houses, the road, the long shelves at Wall-Mart.

Ashemed to say it, but I was heading into this with a completely materialist point of view. I wanted the big house with the swimming pool, muscle car or whatever.

I think what shocked me as I got to know American society and which caused me to eventually pack my bags and leave, is that below the veneer of wealth, technology and everything that at first sight makes America look modern, it was surprisingly, no shockingly old fashion.

Ok, that makes it sound endearing. No, what I saw is much of what you describe. I am a guy from a blue collar industrial town in Norway. I grew up close to a shipyard. In American terms I guess you could call it the Rustbelt of Norway. I grew up in the 80s seeing factories and shipyards close down.

Why mention this? Because I want to make it clear that I did not grow up in some caffe latte sipping urban hipster area. People I hung out with later became car mechanics, welders, electricians etc.

Yet I was shocked by the rampant misogyny I saw on display in America. The way many American friends talked about women. I saw things at American bars in how guys checked out girls that I am pretty sure would have gotten you beat up in Norway.

Not to mention what I saw at frat houses while studying at university. The cliche of slimy frathouse boys was certainly all true in my experience. I remember a girl almost getting raped and really being at a loss about what to do, because nobody seemed to give a shit. I remember guys getting on my case for not taking advantage of girls that had been interested in me.

I don't normally write about this. It all sounds really negative. I mean I had lots of great experiences in the US as well. American hospitality is awesome. And the energy and enthusiams is very real. American have a can-do attitude that nobdoy can touch. And there are a lot of strong voices, just like you. Us Scandinavians don't have quite that same energy and enthusiasm.

I did get something positive out of staying in the US. I came home with more self confidence and being more easy going with strangers. I learned that from Americans.

But the other lessons I learned was that Social Democracy is actually a great thing. I sort of went to the US has this hyper capitalist fan boy being really negative to Norwegian social demcoracy.

Slowly I become a social democrat afterwards. Especially because of the stuff you describe regarding having kids in the US.

The whole relation between men and women in the US reminds me a lot of Norway in the 1960s or so as described to me. And I don't think any of this is really down to Scandinavian men being more inherently open minded than American men. I think a lot of this is the result of the social and economic system itself. Why? Because I have seen with my own eyes how profoundly the male role has changed over the years here, and how that often has come at the tail end of policy changes.

Here men get free about 3 months of paternity leave when your kid is born. You don't say no to that. Pushing men to spend more time with their newborn really cause a small revolution in attitude changes. Men developed a stronger desire to spend more time with their kids in general.

The way bosses in America expects men to work long overtime, is frowned upon here because you are expected as a guy to go home and help out with the kids, house work etc.

This is something I have tried to sell American men on who seem afraid of more egalitarianism. They seem to think it is all about men losing and women winning. I am trying to tell them that I think a more egalitarian society makes both men and women winners. Women get more of a career and men get more time at home with the family.

And once men spend more time with the family, especially their kids, I think most will realize that the tradeoff is worth it. The total is greater than the sum of its parts. Men gain more than they loose, and so does women.

So I totally get why you don't want to have kids. American society is not quite ready to support you the way you deserve as a modern women who should be allowed to have a career and some freedom even if she decides to have kids.

We get a lot of economic support here to have kids. I have no idea how we could have pulled it off without the welfare system. Like we get highly subsidized child care, that would have cost a fortune out of pocket. And of course maternity leave, the birth etc is all paid for. Sure we pay taxes for this, but is really hard for a young couple to save up for these expenses.

I am sorry to hear you experienced abuse. It is depressing how often one reads about that. I really hope we can build a new world where that becomes a rarity. Here in Norway they are very aggressive about the rights of children to the point where we have gotten quite a lot of bad reputation abroad. Abusive parents are naturally upset that the government has taken children away from them.

To be fair, I do think they are overzealous at times too. It is very hard to build a system which always makes the correct choice.

While I understand you are skeptical towards having children, have you ever considered being a temporary foster parent for children who need help?

I know some people who do that. Like in weekends who seem to like that. I haven't done it myself but I vounteered to help immigrant kids with homework at the red cross. I thought that was quite rewarding. Unlike your own kids, you could always exit if you don't have the time or you don't like it.